Behind Those Pages

This lil notebook sums up my whole 2011. I browsed it earlier today and I realized that my 2011 is about my college life, finding a job and dismantling feelings over someone.

I ran through the pages and I found out that this journal has a roller coaster of emotions. There’s so much in it.

There’s joy when we got our thesis signed and approved. In addition to that, it is the year I graduated with flying colors and the year that I got my first job. It is damn satisfying that you achieved some things.

This book also contains depression. Why? Let’s admit it, it’s not easy to find a job and where you fit in and honestly, I’ve got my first job not that quick. It took me months to have one. I juggled from one place to another just to submit job applications. I’ve rejected many times before I got hired. It’s quite depressing when people surrounding you are pressuring you at times. Didn’t they know that I’m trying my best? But in spite of those, I’m always reminding myself that I should not give up. Yeah, I may be struggling now but it does not mean that I should quit. As long as I’m trying my best, as long as I not quitting, then I’m not a loser nor a failure.

This journal also knows my sorrow. Sorrow that my friends and I will part ways to find our own place in the real world. Not just that, sorrow about some family problems and sorrow about a love drifted away.

Honestly, he’s been very special to me and it’s quite funny that I’ve invested so much feelings for him. As I read what I’ve written back those years, it seems that even though he left me hanging, just a call from him and I’m out of my league again. I’m ready to give in again. I’m ready to take him back again. It’s way back then, but now it’s all over between us. I must accept that I just met him for a reason and that reason maybe is to have my heart broken into tiny pieces. Yes, he still holds a special place in my heart, I still miss him, I still cared for him, but I don’t want him back. I know better now.

Why would I take back the person who just sees me as an option? Why would I take back the person who just knew me when everything went wrong? Why would I take back the person who was just taking me for granted? Why would I take back the person who left me without telling me the reason is?

And of course, this journal knows my way of letting go and moving on. I’m always encouraging myself so that I can be better. I can do so much more.

Now, it’s already 2015, four years had passed and here I am, blessed and happy for what I have now. I’m contented for what’s here in the moment and at the same time, I’m working on my other plans towards my bigger dreams.

Way to go!